The Cat-Retardant Couch

After years of cat-co-habitation, A and I have realized the importance of cat-proofing our homes. Cats are worse than babies because, not only can they hurt themselves, they can do a lot of damage to the house.

I refuse to eat with Tupperware or foam-rubber the house (although I have days when it seems easier) but accommodations need to be made in a cat-run household. Did I say cat-run? I meant cat-managed…we do the actual running. God forbid they get off their fuzzy bums and wash a dish or something.

A lot of this is removing temptation. No glass vases, no expensive knick knacks on low shelves, no leaving food out without an armed guard. But you have to buy furniture that fits the lifestyle too. No matter how many times you tell a cat that they can’t sit on your chair, they will sit on it. Actually, the best way to get a cat to take your seat is to forbid it. They are perverse little creatures.

So, you do your best to limit the effects of their presence. Which brings us to the Cat-Retardant couch. It has the following special qualities:

-It’s a tough material so they can’t rip it when they scratch or bite it. When we are home, they are the picture of good behaviour (around the furniture) but the minute we leave, there’s a cat sucking on the padding. This doesn’t even taste good. I checked. We will be adding pepper spray to the arms to further deter cats, although I suspect they may think we are seasoning the couch for them.

-It’s a blend of black, grey, cream and brown so the cat hair will not be too noticeable. This is not to say we won’t be trying to clear off the hair….we just know it’s futile. Hench, matching your furniture to your cat’s coat. We also try to do this with clothing, with less success.

-Theoretically there’s room enough for two people and the six cats on the couch. I’m sure that cats won’t agree but we’re bigger and can relocate them. And what’s the likelihood of six cats wanting to be in the same room at the same time? The answer: high if there’s a new couch to sit on.

-The fabric will hide stains well. Which is good because when a cat feels a hairball coming on, it immediately moves to the most expensive soft area of the house, be that a silk rug or a new mattress. It’s a scientific fact. Look it up.

-It was on sale. This advantage is two-fold. We have more money for feeding the cats, and possibly ourselves, and it will hurt less when the couch becomes a cat bed and we’re sitting on the floor.

Short of constructing a bomb, the cats will not be able to destroy this piece of furniture, which is all I can hope for. However, someone has been signing with a paw print for large orders of nitroglycerin lately so we’re keeping an eye out for that.



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3 responses to “The Cat-Retardant Couch

  1. I can’t seem to properly browse this post from my iphone!!!

  2. cat repelants arent working,she thinks its a game to scratch the chair and run,anything I can wipe on the chair to repell her she has 2 scratch posts doesnt use I hate to have to declew her!

  3. mislin

    I keep a spray bottle filled with water near the couch. When a cat tries to scratch (or knock over the tv or pull a painting off the wall, which happens more often) I shout no and spray them. Now usually just saying no works, since they know the bottle is next.

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